TRIPTIONARY

AISLE-WADDLE: Walking with a wide, staggering, drunk-looking gait down the aisle of a moving vehicle.

BOREDEAUX: Yawning at the prospect of France, for no other reason than it excites everyone else. See also: Eiffelavoidance.

BOWELIPHILE: He who talks endlessly about the effect of third world travel on his bathroom use.

CAROUSELOUSY: The swell of envy one feels when fellow passengers lunges into action to fetch their bags.

CIAOBELLATERY: The enjoyment of catcalls in a foreign context that would royally piss you off back home.

CHECKMATE: The travel mate who proves clutch when it comes time to pee, saving you from wheeling your giant suitcase into a narrow bathroom stall.

CINNABONOTONY: Ordering precisely the same greasy food or in-flight beverage every single time you travel.

CLANTEXTINE: The sneaky traveler who uses her phone one last time, at the risk of stewardess reprimand.

DOCUFRISK: Touching yourself repeatedly and somewhat freakishly to be sure both passport and wallet are still on your body.

ECONOMY LAP DANCE: The elaborate hip maneuvers made while climbing over a fellow passenger who is sound asleep and blocking the bathroom.

FAKEOFF: On-time boarding only to face runway purgatory.

GLUTTINERARY: A schedule that gives up on monuments and museums to focus on just two things: feasts, and slow walks between them.

GRAZIETUITY: Knowing only the word for “thank you” in a foreign language and chirping it 4,000 times a day. See also: mercicessive, bonjourbastic. 

GEYSERGLOOM: The letdown one feels at a famous natural wonder when nothing wonderful naturally happens.

THE HAIL MARY SIP: The choice to ingest or drink a local delicacy knowing there is a 50-50 chance you are about to give yourself diarrhea.

HULK SHOCK: The surprise one registers upon reentering the United States of America and noticing that its citizenry is gigantic.

THE HOT SEAT: The empty plane seat adjacent to yours that you long for the beautiful person coming down the aisle to fill.

THE INDIA GIVEN: The three to five days you tack onto a trip to the subcontinent, trusting you’ll spend at least that much time bedridden in Bombay, Tums-popping in Agra, or preparing to die in Varanasi.

I.P.ANGRY: Acrimony felt by craft beer enthusiasts when traveling abroad due to a lacking international craft beer market.

JET LIFT: When crossing time zones weirdly works in your favor, enabling you to hoot with the owls, or finish your e-book.

“KEVIN!”: The sudden in-flight realization that you left something totally crucial at home.

KIMONOLUSION: Believing you will actually wear a banana leaf hat, sequined kurta, or pink guayabera that goes straight into your Halloween trunk.

KNIFENESIA: Forgetting you packed something in your carry-on bag that closely resembles a weapon.

LANDASY: Wishfully reading the signs of the limo guys at the airport in the hopes that someone has come to greet you, in a place you know no one.

LAZEOVER: The layover just long enough to chill out, take a nap, and miss your connecting flight.

LAGERDRATION: The practical choice made in a sweltering place where bottled water costs as much as beer.

LOCABENDER: Binging on so many of the delicacies you can eat nowhere else that you never want to eat pork baoza or flor de calavasa ever again.

McDOWNFALL: The low moment that follows weeks of daring eating, when the traveler seeks out the greasiest possible American food. See also: Pizzalapse.

MAXIMINIMALIST: The noble traveler who packs so little clothing he must scrub his underwear every night with hotel soap.

MONOPOLIZING: Choosing to lose track of the currency conversion rate so you can throw around foreign bills like funny money. 

MIDDLEDEAD: The sinking feelings that come with the worst possible seat assignment.

NAANSEOUS: Queasy feeling caused by eating far too much Indian food. See also: Currie Colic.

THE NAGGING SHADOW OF GIZA: Deciding not to go see the thing everyone sees, only to think about it for your entire trip.

NAPALEPSY: A fit of naps in which the head is not supported and so bobs continually in a rest-thwarting and hard-to-watch way.

OBLIGAMENIOTY: Pools, hot tubs, saunas and gyms you wear yourself out trying to take full advantage of on vacation. See also: Fraught Bath. 

OLIVER MOMENT: When an air traveler realizes he can get more biscotti, a second tea, peanuts by the fistful, simply by asking the stewardess for more, please.

PIEDPIPERING: Looking so alien that children come running.

THE PILLAGE INN: The hotel room you leave in total and shameful disarray, having no idea how that happened.

QUESTIONS OF CLASS: The wondering you do while passing business class passenger who look neither businessy or remotely high class. 

QUEUESASPERATED: When you cannot take, will not bear, actually tear-up at the sight of another line.

RECLIDIOT: The guy who suddenly leans all the way back on an airplane and clobbers your knees.

ROM-COM-A-THON: Filling the hours between Boston and Beijing with more Anne Hathaway films than you ever hoped to see.

SEUSS PRODUCE: Insane-looking fruits and Wonka-esque vegetables you will never describe, translate, or taste again.

UBIQUITHING: The unappealing trinket, service, or tour every tout calls out, twice, whenever you come into view. See also: Balloon-balloon, Cigar-cigar, Fuckie-fuckie.

UN-TAJ-ABLE: A site, natural wonder, or work of art that—no matter the crowds, hawkers, or tchotchke around it—cannot be diminished in awesomeness.

VISAVANITY: Opening your passport in an idle travel moment to gaze at your prettiest stamps.

WALK OF SHAME: Skulking into a Starbucks on the other side of the world.

WATTCRINGE: Reaching for the overhead light on a dark plane, knowing everyone’s about to resent you.

"WELL, FOLKS...": The preface to all bad plane news.

WESTERNOUNCEMENT: The drawling, mid-flight update that leaves you no choice but to imagine John Wayne in the cockpit.  

ZOOGASBOARD: Eating so far off the beaten track you draw spectators.